Because this is me, saying words I actually mean.
I won't compromise this thing just to make it.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

On my way...

Ok. Enough hiding. I think I'm back on track with my mind. I had an awful week last week that left me feeling pretty awful. I don't know a better word to use than awful. Although things might not be where I need them to be with that situation, I need to remember to live and let things play out; I'm sure I'll figure something out.

In other news, I've made some progress. This included having a conversation with someone about how much pain I held in for months around the changes I've made. How much those words hurt me, and the support I never felt. I can't take back any of that stuff, and neither can the other person, but I guess just acknowledging it is a start. One thing that is my hesitation around it all. I'm not sorry that I can't take compliments well from my friends and want to talk about this stuff because it's my shit, and I own it, and each person does things differently. I just....don't feel comfortable. But know that I do appreciate everything everyone says to me...more than they probably will ever know.

I haven't checked the scale in a bit. I feel like I'm still in this plateau where I'll be down, then out of nowhere it will jump way up, then slowly go back down. I'm once again gaining and loosing the same 10lbs. Lovely. So maybe another round of the no scale club is in order.

I can leave on a positive. I had a ridiculous party at my house last weekend and had a wonderful time reconnecting with someone that I honestly didn't think I ever would again. This person..means a lot to me, and he always will and he knows that, and it's sort of this unwritten communication that we have about each other. At one point as we were downstairs chatting, we hugged and he proceeded to pick me up, throw me over his shoulder, walk up the flight of stairs with me in his arms, and parade me around the house upside down. Sure...cute and whatever, but I can't get that memory out of my head. He's the first guy I ever let pick me up, and honestly, it felt awesome to be that girl, after all the struggle with my body, self worth, self-perception. I don't was just a really great moment to know I've come that far. Take it as you will.

Go Red Sox!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

I climbed a mountain, and I turned around.

Going through some hard times. I'm alive, but nothing to report or want to talk about to anyone. I'll be okay, maybe a few weeks. Weigh has stayed the same, I'm partying too much and making mistakes and I don't care because I'm 23 and trying to figure my life out.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The View From Here's Getting Better With You By My Side

I had a whole write up of my memorable weekend typed up: play by play of each day and what I did and who I spent it with, and what I ate, drank, everything. And you know me....purposely just deleted it. Because I think I wanna keep those things to myself. This isn't a blog about how that stuff. I could write it up, but it's not as important about what I geniuenly got out of this weekend...which is acceptance, growth, and happiness.

I'll touch upon one moment. As I stood on a rock on Sunday, overlooking the ocean at sunset, with a man below me just standing out looking towards the water as well, it occurred to me. This man...who means more to me than I can even begin to type...never knew the old me. He didn't see me at my rock bottom, he never witnessed first hand how miserable I was in my own skin and just how much pain I was in.. I stood there by the water, taking in everything I could, breathing deep and had a moment of pure relaxation and clarity. I have come a long way. It made me really happy. And I don't say that too often. :)

I decided to forgo the gym today and take advantage of the beautiful weather we've (finally) been having and went for a run outside. I have HUGE hesitations about running in my town because someone is bound to see me and I find that just awkward and weird. But I swallowed my pride, and when I got to the top of my street I took off. I ran the beach back and forth and took some back roads back to my house and was a sweaty mess but it was actually kinda fun? i didn't run the whole way but I definitely pushed myself.

The idea of OA is still lingering in the back of my mind. I looked up meetings today online and coindenisely there was one going on in my town tonight but I vetoed that immediately. If I decide to do it I want to be someplace else where I really feel safe. So that will be on hold for now. I did though, listen to a podcast from an OA meeting and although it wasn't awful, it wasn't great. I know every meeting is different, so I'm keeping an open mind.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Everything must run it's course.

My mind, body, emotions, thoughts, feelings...has all been on hiatus. I feel like today, I'm just now waking up from the nap I've been taking for the past month or so. I've been sleepy, so sleepy. Because I've been treating my body like shit, and it began to shut down on me. I had a AH-HAH moment last night when I was literally FALLING ASLEEP AT 9PM that something wasn't right. This has to be more than me overworking and being tired. I thought back to everything, and realized that of course I don't feel right....I haven't been okay, at all. lots of personal stuff that has thankfully managed to sort itself out body and eating has not caught up to where my mind is now. So I made that conscious decision this morning to begin again. I figure I need a good raw cleanse to get myself back on track so it was a good gym session this morning that literally left me feeling dizzy and high, and lots of colors going into my mouth. In fact...I ate all day! grapes, and carrots, and watermelon, and green beans, and broccoli, and peppers, chicken, cous cous. And I feel good.

Went to my friend's wedding last weekend.

Note to self: remember these good moments next time you're feeling not so good.
* A side note: he is not my boyfriend or date. he is one of my best friend's boyfriends, and a pretty swell guy :)

Thursday, April 14, 2011

You can breathe, but the air is running out.

Hi. I'm alive. Just barely. As I sit here and type I can't help but think of all the other stuff I SHOULD be doing. My to do list grows daily, and I'm struggling to stay afloat. But I'm trying. Things have been crazy, life has been crazy. I'm sure that the universe is either testing me, or trying to tell me something, but i don't know if I have time to figure that one out either.

I've had some not great days. and I know its stress related, and people related, and I need to work through it and not sink. I don't win every battle. Frankly, I'm not that strong. But I'm winning some small ones here and there, meal by meal, workout by workout, so it's not a total loss. It's so much harder when you're aware of what you're doing versus not being aware of it and just...eating. So I have to embrace the small wins and celebrate them.

haven't weighed myself since my freak out last post. I don't want to. I'm not feeling good, and I know the number isn't going to be good, so why make myself more upset? I'll just let it be. Sometimes life gets in the way, and I need to remember that it's okay, this is my life, and obsessing over it is just exhausting and not productive and I miss out on moments that I want to be present for. I can't beat myself up for missing the gym two days in a row. I can't beat myself up for partying a little too much with my friends because this is part of my life that I want to do in moderation.

I've been thinking a lot about OA. Do I need it? maybe? maybe not. No, I'm not binging all the time, and no I'm not morbidly obese, but thinking about how someday....god help me....someday soon I will be in maintenance mode, and well honestly...that scares me, and I think my emotional relationship with food could use a little work, and maybe going to a meeting might help me. Maybe, going to a meeting will absolutely convince me that I don't need it, and I'm creating a situation and in actuality I'm fine. who knows. are you following me? run on sentences, FTW.

In other news, I was in a fight with my lunch today at work. I was fine with the hummus and carrots, but then when I got to the veggie burger on my flat bread I just got...pissed. So pissed, that I choose to take it with me this morning, and that I was hungry and had to eat it, and mad that I didn't eat any other cupcakes and cake at my staff meeting earlier in the day, and just....pissed at it. But I ate you, dumb veggie burger. And I know I made the right choice by eating you and not a big mac, but I was bitter and hated every second of it. Another small win for the underdog.


Sunday, March 27, 2011

Mama said there'd be days like this.....

Things are not where I want them to be.

I've gained 7lbs in two weeks. 7. Seven. SEVEN. How does that happen when you go to the gym everyday. And no, it's not muscle. It's seven pounds of fat. I fail at everything else, why not fail at this too.

I'm really not feeling great about myself the past couple weeks. I know the weekends have been rough, but not seven pounds in two weeks rough. That really does not make sense given my weekdays eating and gym everyday.

The word frustrated doesn't even begin to cover how I'm feeling right now. Worthless. Useless. Annoyed. Disappointed. Hungry.

On top of it, yes I got my period so I don't feel like a complete crazy mess and maybe some of these feelings can be hormonally validated. But I'm also sick. Been in bed all day. Achy, sore throat, and dizzy. I've been completely disconnected from everyone all week.

So, this is me getting what I deserve. I brought these seven pounds upon myself. I need to just accept it. You would think I'd try to find a way to make this more positive like "now I'm motivated to get back into the game, take responsibility for what happened, move forward and make changes!!"

Nope. Not motivated in the slightest right now. Actually...this whole thing just makes me want to get in bed, cry, eat, and eat more until I can't think because I'm so full. At least then I won't have to listen to my own thoughts. I'm already feeling disgusting the past few weeks, why not? At least I'll be eating yumnmy food that will temporarily make me feel better ;)

Someone please check in on me soon. I'm drowning and don't know how to get out of this.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

"sometimes you just need to be alone"

Forgive me if this post makes zero sense. just know that I'm crazyyyy premenstrual.

The weeks have been manageable. not great. I feel like I've slipped back into maintenance mode again and not weight loss mode. My weekends have been straight binges. At one point I was past the feeling of full and thought I might actually throw up from too much food. I tried to, and couldn't. I fail at bulimia I guess.

I'm just going through a funk. I'm just on edge all the time, and need something to motivate me again. I had an awful realization last night (soo much pms) that although so many things have changed with me, emotionally, mentally, physically, but nothing has changed with my interactions with people. All those feelings of self worth and value came flooding back to me last night and today-I'm still not worth it to people, and still feel like as much as I change every part of me, I'm still not enough and good enough for love.