You can breathe, but the air is running out.

Hi. I'm alive. Just barely. As I sit here and type I can't help but think of all the other stuff I SHOULD be doing. My to do list grows daily, and I'm struggling to stay afloat. But I'm trying. Things have been crazy, life has been crazy. I'm sure that the universe is either testing me, or trying to tell me something, but i don't know if I have time to figure that one out either.


I've had some not great days. and I know its stress related, and people related, and I need to work through it and not sink. I don't win every battle. Frankly, I'm not that strong. But I'm winning some small ones here and there, meal by meal, workout by workout, so it's not a total loss. It's so much harder when you're aware of what you're doing versus not being aware of it and just...eating. So I have to embrace the small wins and celebrate them.

haven't weighed myself since my freak out last post. I don't want to. I'm not feeling good, and I know the number isn't going to be good, so why make myself more upset? I'll just let it be. Sometimes life gets in the way, and I need to remember that it's okay, this is my life, and obsessing over it is just exhausting and not productive and I miss out on moments that I want to be present for. I can't beat myself up for missing the gym two days in a row. I can't beat myself up for partying a little too much with my friends because this is part of my life that I want to do in moderation.

I've been thinking a lot about OA. Do I need it? maybe? maybe not. No, I'm not binging all the time, and no I'm not morbidly obese, but thinking about how someday....god help me....someday soon I will be in maintenance mode, and well honestly...that scares me, and I think my emotional relationship with food could use a little work, and maybe going to a meeting might help me. Maybe, going to a meeting will absolutely convince me that I don't need it, and I'm creating a situation and in actuality I'm fine. who knows. are you following me? run on sentences, FTW.


In other news, I was in a fight with my lunch today at work. I was fine with the hummus and carrots, but then when I got to the veggie burger on my flat bread I just got...pissed. So pissed, that I choose to take it with me this morning, and that I was hungry and had to eat it, and mad that I didn't eat any other cupcakes and cake at my staff meeting earlier in the day, and just....pissed at it. But I ate you, dumb veggie burger. And I know I made the right choice by eating you and not a big mac, but I was bitter and hated every second of it. Another small win for the underdog.

OverandOut.

Mama said there'd be days like this.....

Things are not where I want them to be.



I've gained 7lbs in two weeks. 7. Seven. SEVEN. How does that happen when you go to the gym everyday. And no, it's not muscle. It's seven pounds of fat. I fail at everything else, why not fail at this too.


I'm really not feeling great about myself the past couple weeks. I know the weekends have been rough, but not seven pounds in two weeks rough. That really does not make sense given my weekdays eating and gym everyday.


The word frustrated doesn't even begin to cover how I'm feeling right now. Worthless. Useless. Annoyed. Disappointed. Hungry.


On top of it, yes I got my period so I don't feel like a complete crazy mess and maybe some of these feelings can be hormonally validated. But I'm also sick. Been in bed all day. Achy, sore throat, and dizzy. I've been completely disconnected from everyone all week.


So, this is me getting what I deserve. I brought these seven pounds upon myself. I need to just accept it. You would think I'd try to find a way to make this more positive like "now I'm motivated to get back into the game, take responsibility for what happened, move forward and make changes!!"


Nope. Not motivated in the slightest right now. Actually...this whole thing just makes me want to get in bed, cry, eat, and eat more until I can't think because I'm so full. At least then I won't have to listen to my own thoughts. I'm already feeling disgusting the past few weeks, why not? At least I'll be eating yumnmy food that will temporarily make me feel better ;)

Someone please check in on me soon. I'm drowning and don't know how to get out of this.

"sometimes you just need to be alone"

Forgive me if this post makes zero sense. just know that I'm crazyyyy premenstrual.


The weeks have been manageable. not great. I feel like I've slipped back into maintenance mode again and not weight loss mode. My weekends have been straight binges. At one point I was past the feeling of full and thought I might actually throw up from too much food. I tried to, and couldn't. I fail at bulimia I guess.


I'm just going through a funk. I'm just on edge all the time, and need something to motivate me again. I had an awful realization last night (soo much pms) that although so many things have changed with me, emotionally, mentally, physically, but nothing has changed with my interactions with people. All those feelings of self worth and value came flooding back to me last night and today-I'm still not worth it to people, and still feel like as much as I change every part of me, I'm still not enough and good enough for love.

call it what you will...

I had every intention of going to the gym when I got out of work.

I got there, got out of the car...and realized I never grabbed my gym bag this morning.

foiled. so I got back in the car, and halfway through my drive decided I didn't really want to go all the way to my house, get my stuff, and drive all the way back, probably hitting traffic and getting to the gym smack in the middle of rush hour. And it would take me forever to get on a treadmill during the busiest time of the night, and I would probably end up doing a half-ass workout.

I know, I know...EXCUSES.

So I decided instead I would go to Zumba tonight.

...well....zumba class started a half hour ago. I'm not there. I'm here. writing this.

My best friend that I haven't seen in forever called me and asked to go to dinner and hang out. Considering I haven't seen him in....over a month? I'm choosing him over working out today.

and you know what? I don't care. Not one bit. I need to start to learn how to live.

Maybe it's an excuse. But right now...keeping my sanity outweighs it.

:)

Moment of Truth.

I woke up this morning and decided to weigh myself.
It's been 3 weeks since my last weigh-in.


it's been a year and a half since I made the choice.


sometimes it was simple, easy. just working out and eating better.


sometimes I cried myself to sleep because I felt worthless, frustrated. hurt. annoyed.



sometimes I wanted to tell everyone of my accomplishments because I was that proud of myself.



sometimes I wished  nobody would notice anything and I could just live and not have the constant reminder of how lost I really was.



It was the strangest feeling that came over me this morning as I looked down at the number. Nobody made me to to the gym everyday and workout sometimes until there was nothing else I could give. That was all me. And that person that had to make split second decisions when faced with things to eat? Also me. And that girl that sometimes let the bad stuff get in the way and loose focus, sometimes resulting in a binge or days without being physical? Me. Let's not forget about the woman who is way more aware of her body, emotions, and self-worth. I'm taking the credit for that, too.


It was almost as if the number on that scale this morning looked back at me...and wasn't surprised that he was there. because I did the work. and got the results.



so, the verdict, you ask? well, a real woman never tells her weight. :) but my quick math skills showed that I've lost 106lbs. No, not lost. I won't ever "find" it again. But, regardless...I've reached that cliche milestone with some to add, and I wanted to write it down.


For me.


I've waited a long time to have this moment. I'm going to embrace it. I'm going to celebrate it. I'm going to remember it. And I'm going to continue forward. <3

I'm on the right track baby....

I have a quick second before I have to run into town and get my new plates and registration with one of my guy friends for my NEW car that i bought. yes...i got a new car. and i love it.

work's been....ehhh. awful lately. motivating me that much more during workouts. I got my 5K down to 34:02. 

haven't weighed myself since before philly...go me.

the gym and eating are going good. Making some good connections at the gym and feeling supported by strangers is....awesome.

as i was driving home from the gym this morning, I was a bit cranky that I could only workout for an hour and not my usual hour and a half and 20 minutes of strength training.

and then I realized that I was wearing a size 12 jean and a medium top. comfortably. and the feeling went away. because I'm doing good. and will continue to.

gotta jet! <3

I guess we'll just have to adjust.

So on my 9million hour long trip to Philly, I wrote a little something on the bus. I've been planning on writing a blurb about forgiveness for a while now but still can't really get the words right. It's a difficult word for me to swallow, and I'm still not sure I have it right. I'm trying to forgive myself  for what I did. When I see myself sometimes, I can accept what I see, even be okay with it. I'm slowly viewing my body for what it is, and not what it used to be. It kinda sickens me to even look at pictures of how I used to look, how other people saw me. How did I go for so many years compleatly disregarding my body? I wasn't blind. I ask myself constantly how I was able to supress all that hate for all those years and not do anything. I ask myself more what gave me the strength to change. I still don't know. A friend of mine a few weeks back sent me a picture of myself from a few years ago...I didn't even recongize that girl. It was good, I needed to see it and be reminded of how far I've come, but at the same time it frustrated and moreso embarrased me to even look at it and see what I was. It's still uncomfortable for me when people make remarks about how I look, even though I'm fighting through the urge to hide under a rock. it still embarrasses me to know that they saw what I saw...as much as you think you're hiding your body you can't.


I've said it a few times on here...I never realized how much emotional shit comes out of loosing weight. I really thought I was a pretty expressive and intuitive person, but there was a whole other level I never got to until my body started to change. I can relate everything that I go through now back to my body and my changing perception of myself. Is it that I never did it before because I suppressed it? Or am I just relating everything back to my self-worth because it's new for me? Maybe a combination of both?


I need to work on forgiving others. I need to learn how to let some things go. I need to forgive people's ignorance, or misunderstanding of who I want to be. Its easy to pass judgement and treat people unfairly when they don't understand, or weren't ready to change themselves. It still saddens and frustrates me that I had to sit in silence for months and continue to suppress all the things I wanted to say because I didn't feel supported. It's an awful thing that I had to do at the beginning of this. I need to forgive that, let it go, and know that even though I wasn't supported, the least I can do is support others through their own self-discovery.