Ok. Enough hiding. I think I'm back on track with my mind. I had an awful week last week that left me feeling pretty awful. I don't know a better word to use than awful. Although things might not be where I need them to be with that situation, I need to remember to live and let things play out; I'm sure I'll figure something out.
In other news, I've made some progress. This included having a conversation with someone about how much pain I held in for months around the changes I've made. How much those words hurt me, and the support I never felt. I can't take back any of that stuff, and neither can the other person, but I guess just acknowledging it is a start. One thing that is true...is my hesitation around it all. I'm not sorry that I can't take compliments well from my friends and want to talk about this stuff because it's my shit, and I own it, and each person does things differently. I just....don't feel comfortable. But know that I do appreciate everything everyone says to me...more than they probably will ever know.
I haven't checked the scale in a bit. I feel like I'm still in this plateau where I'll be down, then out of nowhere it will jump way up, then slowly go back down. I'm once again gaining and loosing the same 10lbs. Lovely. So maybe another round of the no scale club is in order.
I can leave on a positive. I had a ridiculous party at my house last weekend and had a wonderful time reconnecting with someone that I honestly didn't think I ever would again. This person..means a lot to me, and he always will and he knows that, and it's sort of this unwritten communication that we have about each other. At one point as we were downstairs chatting, we hugged and he proceeded to pick me up, throw me over his shoulder, walk up the flight of stairs with me in his arms, and parade me around the house upside down. Sure...cute and whatever, but I can't get that memory out of my head. He's the first guy I ever let pick me up, and honestly, it felt awesome to be that girl, after all the struggle with my body, self worth, self-perception. I don't know....it was just a really great moment to know I've come that far. Take it as you will.
Go Red Sox!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Going through some hard times. I'm alive, but nothing to report or want to talk about to anyone. I'll be okay, maybe a few weeks. Weigh has stayed the same, I'm partying too much and making mistakes and I don't care because I'm 23 and trying to figure my life out.