Because this is me, saying words I actually mean.
I won't compromise this thing just to make it.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

You can breathe, but the air is running out.

Hi. I'm alive. Just barely. As I sit here and type I can't help but think of all the other stuff I SHOULD be doing. My to do list grows daily, and I'm struggling to stay afloat. But I'm trying. Things have been crazy, life has been crazy. I'm sure that the universe is either testing me, or trying to tell me something, but i don't know if I have time to figure that one out either.

I've had some not great days. and I know its stress related, and people related, and I need to work through it and not sink. I don't win every battle. Frankly, I'm not that strong. But I'm winning some small ones here and there, meal by meal, workout by workout, so it's not a total loss. It's so much harder when you're aware of what you're doing versus not being aware of it and just...eating. So I have to embrace the small wins and celebrate them.

haven't weighed myself since my freak out last post. I don't want to. I'm not feeling good, and I know the number isn't going to be good, so why make myself more upset? I'll just let it be. Sometimes life gets in the way, and I need to remember that it's okay, this is my life, and obsessing over it is just exhausting and not productive and I miss out on moments that I want to be present for. I can't beat myself up for missing the gym two days in a row. I can't beat myself up for partying a little too much with my friends because this is part of my life that I want to do in moderation.

I've been thinking a lot about OA. Do I need it? maybe? maybe not. No, I'm not binging all the time, and no I'm not morbidly obese, but thinking about how someday....god help me....someday soon I will be in maintenance mode, and well honestly...that scares me, and I think my emotional relationship with food could use a little work, and maybe going to a meeting might help me. Maybe, going to a meeting will absolutely convince me that I don't need it, and I'm creating a situation and in actuality I'm fine. who knows. are you following me? run on sentences, FTW.

In other news, I was in a fight with my lunch today at work. I was fine with the hummus and carrots, but then when I got to the veggie burger on my flat bread I just got...pissed. So pissed, that I choose to take it with me this morning, and that I was hungry and had to eat it, and mad that I didn't eat any other cupcakes and cake at my staff meeting earlier in the day, and just....pissed at it. But I ate you, dumb veggie burger. And I know I made the right choice by eating you and not a big mac, but I was bitter and hated every second of it. Another small win for the underdog.



  1. I'm with you girlie ... I hate hate hate to eat healthy! I started weight watchers Sept 09 and stuck to it religiously. By Dec 09 I had dropped 40lbs. I went from 280 to 240. Size 18 to 16 ... maybe 14 depending on style. Then 2011 I stopped. Now its may and I'm 243 :( .... but I started again Tuesday and I already feel a lil better. You can do it :)

  2. Thanks, Jenn. I'm kinda afraid of counting calories and points because i fear I'll become obsessed. I started in sept 09 too, and despite some plateau's and bad...months...I'm down a little over 100. hoping to drop another 20 or 30? I feel like this is the home stretch until maintenance, and it's not as easy as it used to be. I'm looking forward to reading your stuff! I need to do this more, I think it makes me feel better. ;)

  3. 100 lbs!? Dude that is freakn awesome! Makes my 40lbs seem like water weight. lol. It's also a little motivating. And yea the whole point thing is a little extreme but it has honestly been the only thing to work for me. You're doing an amazing job though and I look foward to some before and after pix (hint hint) lol