Because this is me, saying words I actually mean.
I won't compromise this thing just to make it.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

"You're Joinin' This Program Already in Progress"

I started to “write” my first blog post a few hours ago. Started talking about the past, and where I WAS, to help whoever is reading this have a better understanding of where I’m coming from. Then I got severe writers block. Then I just stopped. And deleted. Because really, that’s twenty-three years of negative things that aren’t me anymore. Or things I don’t want to focus on. Sure, they’re important, and I’m not going to bash that and whine about my life 15 months ago because I was manageable. Not happy, not overly upset with life but just…going through it the way I thought I should and accepting it. Long blog post short, I decided to change that a little over a year ago. And here we are. I say that you’re joining this program already in progress because I want to write about where I am now, where I want to be, how I’m going to get there, and the things that will inevitably come up and create a barrier.
            I always had this secret promise that I made myself about my body. That it was the only thing that was mine, and that I’m inevitably the only person that can choose what I want to do with it and who I want to...share it with…if you know what I mean. I made the choice to change it. I’m still making that choice to change it.
So I’ll start with where I am now. And as difficult it is for me to type the words, I will. I’ve lost ninety pounds. I’ll say it again. I’ve lost ninety pounds. Again…deficit of 90lbs. I even put the actual number 90 instead of writing it out. I need to keep saying it. Maybe if I keep saying it I’ll start to believe it. Maybe my mind will catch up to where my body is now. Maybe I’ll start to give myself more credit and not just blow it off and get uncomfortable when people compliment me. Maybe saying it over and over again will remind me that I haven’t gained ninety pounds, but lost it; that I’ve changed a little bit. My hope for the rest of these blogs isn’t for you. It’s for me. It’s for me to maybe hold some accountability for myself and keep me motivated when on nights like this when I’m stuck in yet another plateau. Or to at least, put my thoughts...somewhere that aren’t in my head. There will be posts where I’m sure I’ll be emotional. I’ll have bad days, I’ll have okay days, I’ll have amazing days. I won’t go to the gym and will be absolutely fine with it, and days where I’ll feel awful about it. I’ll eat too much, or I’ll be unsure if I’m eating enough. I’ll feel accomplished when the scale goes down. I’ll get pissed when the scale goes up. Or god forbid, stays the same after having an amazing week. It will all happen. I’m prepared for it, because I’m more than halfway through this program.
Sorry that you’re joining the party late. I can only move forward. Feel free to stay for the rest. It will only get better, and everyone knows the after party is always the best part :)


  1. Oh my goodness darling, 90lbs? That's incredible! Congratulations on sticking to your goal of changing yourself FOR YOU. I wish I could give you a killer Calyn-hug right now and laugh and watch a movie with you and tell you how proud of you I am in person. I miss you lots and lots, and am looking forward to following along your journey with you... virtually! <3

  2. Wow that's amazing, I didn't know it was so much! Your blog is off to a great start :)