Because this is me, saying words I actually mean.
I won't compromise this thing just to make it.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Nothing tastes as good as how skinny feels:

Well…I found plenty of things that taste just as good. Quesadillas, and ice cream, and plenty of cheesesteak. I went to Philadelphia this past weekend to visit one of my best friends. I felt good about going and promised myself that I wouldn't make a fuss about not working out and not being able to eat my typical stuff. And I didn't. I made myself so comfortable in fact, that I lost all perspective on food, and ate my way through the long weekend. Sure, we did a TON of walking, and I had an absolute blast. But the way I felt all day yesterday did not feel as good as all those cheesesteaks. It was a combination of my body being like "what?!? what did you do to me? what's all this crap I need to digest?", not going to the gym in...5 days, and the guilt of my conscience for allowing myself to snap right back into my old regiment without hesitation.

I will not step on the scale until I feel better about this. I don't need to look and see the damage I did. I feel it throughout my body, and that's enough.

So the rest of this week will be a detox. Eating tons of color (orange cheese wiz is not a color, Chrissy), and back to the gym I go. I need to get this stuff out of my body, it's making me sick, and stressing me out. For the first time in a while yesterday at the gym I got dizzy, light headed and needed to pour water over my head before I passed out. Wake up call.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

One month later....'s been a month since I decided to take a break from driving myself insane and weighing myself. I even decided to see if I could go longer, maybe push it back to the first day of march. but..this morning as I was getting ready for work I decided to just go ahead and do it. A part of me didn't want to...given the pretty stressful week I had. A part of me wanted to...given the successful weeks before. Ultimately...I promised myself a month and the month was I wanted to see the damage.

I didn't break the 100lb mark. 3lbs shy. I'm not horribly upset...I knew it was a stretch to think I could loose 10lbs in a month. I'll take the 7. It's better than none. or a gain. I thought back to all those moments I've had over the past month...all those people that have said just the right things at the right time to me...those moments of bravery...the moments of being strong. I think I did a lot of soul searching this month that happened because of the lack of scale in my life...I can't live by a number, although sometimes I'd like to. I need to start living for the moments of change...the phone calls from people needing someone to help them through a tough week of binging, or not working out. The feeling you get from boys that you've known for years...all of a sudden looking at you differently. The flirtation, although flattering but unwelcome...and one of them going to pick you up and put you over their shoulder (I didn't let him! but the thought of a boy doing that to me was...a milestone). Even the silly moment of seeing the guy that always talks to me at the IHOP at 4am and having it be awkward and drunken and hilarious. I want to embrace all of those things.

That being said....I've had a good month. I want to have better months. I want to grab these last 3lbs by the balls and keep going. I want to kick my workouts into high more half ass workouts. I don't care how much I hate running, I'm going to force myself to run and embrace the pain and push my body because I know I'm not. I want to seriously stop thinking that having cheat meals once or twice a week is okay because it's not. This stuff isn't difficult...I'm making it difficult. calories in, calories's not re-inventing the wheel's science.

Thank god I don't have a valentine...the last thing I need is unnecessary chocolate, dinner, wine, and dessert.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Life vs Death

Everything went white and all noise stopped as we crashed into the car. All I could think was "fuck, I'm going to die". It was a moment I hope to never relive again. 

But, alas, I opened my eyes, looked over at my best friend, and we both got the fuck out of that car. It started to set in about 30 seconds after we got out and I lost my shit. It felt like I lost control of all my senses and my body didn't work anymore. 

I'm okay now. A little sore, but that's to be expected when an airbag hits you directly in the chest. I don't want to think about how much worse off we both could have been. I'm giving mad props to my body for being able to take a hit and slowly bounce back. I think if this was me and my body two years ago things may have panned out differently. I took a rough hit yesterday, and I'm not going to lie and say I responded well because I didn't. After returning home, I drowned my sorrows in Chinese food and ice cream. It wasn't that good...actually...not as good as I hoped it would be, and I didn't feel better at any point doing it or after. I can make as many excuses as I want about it, but at the end of the day it was my decision, and I own up to it, and will do my best to learn from it and not resort back to old habits in a time of crisis. Moving on.....

"Death is peaceful - easy. Life is harder" <3

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Time to weigh my choices and think about change.

Wow do I have a lot to say this week. It's been one of those weeks in which the eating and the gym haven’t changed all too much, but I've definitely seen a change in my behavior and overall interaction with others. It's something that...going into all this change I never was aware of before. You see all the breakdowns and life changing "ahh ha!" moments on TV on all those "I’m fat and want to be skinny" shows, but I never realized how much loosing weight and being healthier would impact my daily life. I honestly thought that yep...I'll loose weight, and everything will stay the same. Except nothing stays the same, and the longer I'm in this the more things seem to change, and my perception of the world around me shifts a bit more.

Exhibit A: I've been a bit more....ballsy? this week with my interaction with certain folks. I will not go into specifics around the subject, but just know that my confidence in myself had me doing and saying some things that the old me would never consider because can you make moves when you have zero confidence in what you're doing. Sure, there were men...hah, sorry, boys. But they were in essence handed to me with an absolute "green light means go" and I didn't even have to think about it. I don't even care if anything works out of not, because you know what? It felt good doing it.

Exhibit B: I don't know how to word this one so bare with me. I got a message from someone I don't know (but he knows me) (and it's not weird/creepy so don't worry!) and he said that...well I should really just quote it...

"I am just going to be upfront here: I can't believe how absolutely drop-dead gorgeous you are. Wow. You are a really beautiful girl, and I was taken aback."

If anyone was taken aback it was me. I can count on one hand the number of times a boy ( men yet!) has said something so significant to me, that it literally impacted me so much. And not just a boy...a person that I don't really even know. And it wasn't some creepy okcupid message from someone in another state, it was someone that meant it, and put thought and value into his words. and that means a lot. I was honored, and flattered. Because's hard to be brave sometimes and say those words. And it's hard for me to accept them, and let them sink in when you feel like you'll never be the person you want to be.

So this was my "ahh ha!" moment of the week. That somebody out there found me to be attractive and was brave enough to tell me so. And I was brave enough to start to put myself out there again. It's hard for me to let go of those boys in the past...the ones that found me to be attractive when deep inside I hated the way I look. Those are the boys that still haunt me...their words (whether real at the time or not) don't necessarily mean more to me...but I hold them in a different light based on who I was, and can't seem to let them go yet.

So yes, in case you're wondering...I did write this mystery person back. I was kind, and polite, and silly, and told him back the truth...and was brave back with what I needed to say. Maybe it's the fear of karma that made me want to write back and not just ignore it. We all know what it's like to be brave and then get ignored...and everyone deserves a response...unless you're creepy, hah. Maybe it wasn't fear of karma at all and was growing up and wanting to be a better person? ...can't stay a bitch forever, can I? In other news I felt like I ate a bit too much yesterday, felt yucky and gross. What I gained in insight this week outweighed whatever I ate. Ohh I love a fun play on words. Maybe I can't hide behind fat's going away and peeling back the woman I want to become. :)

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Snow Day :)

Ever have those mornings when you wake up and you just KNOW that you lost weight? You feel lighter, your skin feels tighter, and you just...know. Every time it happens to me and I weigh myself  I'm usually right. Although I won't allow myself this time, I'm gonna go ahead with the assumption that I did. And hell, if I didn't? I'll never know, will I? :)

I've had a great couple of days thanks to good music, good friends, and today's not necessary snow day, but I'll take it. I had an awesome workout at the gym yesterday, and a great dinner with friends that (for the first time in a while) wasn't stressful for me. We went to a local Mexican restaurant, where I made sure to check out the menu online before and do some simple menu decoding....Eat This! Not That! pays off again! I skipped the chips and salsa, chose the most sensible thing on the menu, and drank lots of water. I'm a camel these days, don't know why, hah. After dinner, me and my girlfriends had a little too much fun playing with a giant cardboard box. I squeeezed myself into it...hey, I fit!

My goal for today is to mentally prepare myself for some shoveling so I can get out of my driveway, and get to the gym. Dinner with dad tonight. If i can accomplish getting out, then my reward later tonight is cuddling up with my down comforter and watching too many episodes of Sex and the City. :)