Because this is me, saying words I actually mean.
I won't compromise this thing just to make it.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The View From Here's Getting Better With You By My Side

I had a whole write up of my memorable weekend typed up: play by play of each day and what I did and who I spent it with, and what I ate, drank, everything. And you know me....purposely just deleted it. Because I think I wanna keep those things to myself. This isn't a blog about how that stuff. I could write it up, but it's not as important about what I geniuenly got out of this weekend...which is acceptance, growth, and happiness.

I'll touch upon one moment. As I stood on a rock on Sunday, overlooking the ocean at sunset, with a man below me just standing out looking towards the water as well, it occurred to me. This man...who means more to me than I can even begin to type...never knew the old me. He didn't see me at my rock bottom, he never witnessed first hand how miserable I was in my own skin and just how much pain I was in.. I stood there by the water, taking in everything I could, breathing deep and had a moment of pure relaxation and clarity. I have come a long way. It made me really happy. And I don't say that too often. :)

I decided to forgo the gym today and take advantage of the beautiful weather we've (finally) been having and went for a run outside. I have HUGE hesitations about running in my town because someone is bound to see me and I find that just awkward and weird. But I swallowed my pride, and when I got to the top of my street I took off. I ran the beach back and forth and took some back roads back to my house and was a sweaty mess but it was actually kinda fun? i didn't run the whole way but I definitely pushed myself.

The idea of OA is still lingering in the back of my mind. I looked up meetings today online and coindenisely there was one going on in my town tonight but I vetoed that immediately. If I decide to do it I want to be someplace else where I really feel safe. So that will be on hold for now. I did though, listen to a podcast from an OA meeting and although it wasn't awful, it wasn't great. I know every meeting is different, so I'm keeping an open mind.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Everything must run it's course.

My mind, body, emotions, thoughts, feelings...has all been on hiatus. I feel like today, I'm just now waking up from the nap I've been taking for the past month or so. I've been sleepy, so sleepy. Because I've been treating my body like shit, and it began to shut down on me. I had a AH-HAH moment last night when I was literally FALLING ASLEEP AT 9PM that something wasn't right. This has to be more than me overworking and being tired. I thought back to everything, and realized that of course I don't feel right....I haven't been okay, at all. lots of personal stuff that has thankfully managed to sort itself out body and eating has not caught up to where my mind is now. So I made that conscious decision this morning to begin again. I figure I need a good raw cleanse to get myself back on track so it was a good gym session this morning that literally left me feeling dizzy and high, and lots of colors going into my mouth. In fact...I ate all day! grapes, and carrots, and watermelon, and green beans, and broccoli, and peppers, chicken, cous cous. And I feel good.

Went to my friend's wedding last weekend.

Note to self: remember these good moments next time you're feeling not so good.
* A side note: he is not my boyfriend or date. he is one of my best friend's boyfriends, and a pretty swell guy :)