Because this is me, saying words I actually mean.
I won't compromise this thing just to make it.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

On my way...

Ok. Enough hiding. I think I'm back on track with my mind. I had an awful week last week that left me feeling pretty awful. I don't know a better word to use than awful. Although things might not be where I need them to be with that situation, I need to remember to live and let things play out; I'm sure I'll figure something out.

In other news, I've made some progress. This included having a conversation with someone about how much pain I held in for months around the changes I've made. How much those words hurt me, and the support I never felt. I can't take back any of that stuff, and neither can the other person, but I guess just acknowledging it is a start. One thing that is my hesitation around it all. I'm not sorry that I can't take compliments well from my friends and want to talk about this stuff because it's my shit, and I own it, and each person does things differently. I just....don't feel comfortable. But know that I do appreciate everything everyone says to me...more than they probably will ever know.

I haven't checked the scale in a bit. I feel like I'm still in this plateau where I'll be down, then out of nowhere it will jump way up, then slowly go back down. I'm once again gaining and loosing the same 10lbs. Lovely. So maybe another round of the no scale club is in order.

I can leave on a positive. I had a ridiculous party at my house last weekend and had a wonderful time reconnecting with someone that I honestly didn't think I ever would again. This person..means a lot to me, and he always will and he knows that, and it's sort of this unwritten communication that we have about each other. At one point as we were downstairs chatting, we hugged and he proceeded to pick me up, throw me over his shoulder, walk up the flight of stairs with me in his arms, and parade me around the house upside down. Sure...cute and whatever, but I can't get that memory out of my head. He's the first guy I ever let pick me up, and honestly, it felt awesome to be that girl, after all the struggle with my body, self worth, self-perception. I don't was just a really great moment to know I've come that far. Take it as you will.

Go Red Sox!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

I climbed a mountain, and I turned around.

Going through some hard times. I'm alive, but nothing to report or want to talk about to anyone. I'll be okay, maybe a few weeks. Weigh has stayed the same, I'm partying too much and making mistakes and I don't care because I'm 23 and trying to figure my life out.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The View From Here's Getting Better With You By My Side

I had a whole write up of my memorable weekend typed up: play by play of each day and what I did and who I spent it with, and what I ate, drank, everything. And you know me....purposely just deleted it. Because I think I wanna keep those things to myself. This isn't a blog about how that stuff. I could write it up, but it's not as important about what I geniuenly got out of this weekend...which is acceptance, growth, and happiness.

I'll touch upon one moment. As I stood on a rock on Sunday, overlooking the ocean at sunset, with a man below me just standing out looking towards the water as well, it occurred to me. This man...who means more to me than I can even begin to type...never knew the old me. He didn't see me at my rock bottom, he never witnessed first hand how miserable I was in my own skin and just how much pain I was in.. I stood there by the water, taking in everything I could, breathing deep and had a moment of pure relaxation and clarity. I have come a long way. It made me really happy. And I don't say that too often. :)

I decided to forgo the gym today and take advantage of the beautiful weather we've (finally) been having and went for a run outside. I have HUGE hesitations about running in my town because someone is bound to see me and I find that just awkward and weird. But I swallowed my pride, and when I got to the top of my street I took off. I ran the beach back and forth and took some back roads back to my house and was a sweaty mess but it was actually kinda fun? i didn't run the whole way but I definitely pushed myself.

The idea of OA is still lingering in the back of my mind. I looked up meetings today online and coindenisely there was one going on in my town tonight but I vetoed that immediately. If I decide to do it I want to be someplace else where I really feel safe. So that will be on hold for now. I did though, listen to a podcast from an OA meeting and although it wasn't awful, it wasn't great. I know every meeting is different, so I'm keeping an open mind.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Everything must run it's course.

My mind, body, emotions, thoughts, feelings...has all been on hiatus. I feel like today, I'm just now waking up from the nap I've been taking for the past month or so. I've been sleepy, so sleepy. Because I've been treating my body like shit, and it began to shut down on me. I had a AH-HAH moment last night when I was literally FALLING ASLEEP AT 9PM that something wasn't right. This has to be more than me overworking and being tired. I thought back to everything, and realized that of course I don't feel right....I haven't been okay, at all. lots of personal stuff that has thankfully managed to sort itself out body and eating has not caught up to where my mind is now. So I made that conscious decision this morning to begin again. I figure I need a good raw cleanse to get myself back on track so it was a good gym session this morning that literally left me feeling dizzy and high, and lots of colors going into my mouth. In fact...I ate all day! grapes, and carrots, and watermelon, and green beans, and broccoli, and peppers, chicken, cous cous. And I feel good.

Went to my friend's wedding last weekend.

Note to self: remember these good moments next time you're feeling not so good.
* A side note: he is not my boyfriend or date. he is one of my best friend's boyfriends, and a pretty swell guy :)

Thursday, April 14, 2011

You can breathe, but the air is running out.

Hi. I'm alive. Just barely. As I sit here and type I can't help but think of all the other stuff I SHOULD be doing. My to do list grows daily, and I'm struggling to stay afloat. But I'm trying. Things have been crazy, life has been crazy. I'm sure that the universe is either testing me, or trying to tell me something, but i don't know if I have time to figure that one out either.

I've had some not great days. and I know its stress related, and people related, and I need to work through it and not sink. I don't win every battle. Frankly, I'm not that strong. But I'm winning some small ones here and there, meal by meal, workout by workout, so it's not a total loss. It's so much harder when you're aware of what you're doing versus not being aware of it and just...eating. So I have to embrace the small wins and celebrate them.

haven't weighed myself since my freak out last post. I don't want to. I'm not feeling good, and I know the number isn't going to be good, so why make myself more upset? I'll just let it be. Sometimes life gets in the way, and I need to remember that it's okay, this is my life, and obsessing over it is just exhausting and not productive and I miss out on moments that I want to be present for. I can't beat myself up for missing the gym two days in a row. I can't beat myself up for partying a little too much with my friends because this is part of my life that I want to do in moderation.

I've been thinking a lot about OA. Do I need it? maybe? maybe not. No, I'm not binging all the time, and no I'm not morbidly obese, but thinking about how someday....god help me....someday soon I will be in maintenance mode, and well honestly...that scares me, and I think my emotional relationship with food could use a little work, and maybe going to a meeting might help me. Maybe, going to a meeting will absolutely convince me that I don't need it, and I'm creating a situation and in actuality I'm fine. who knows. are you following me? run on sentences, FTW.

In other news, I was in a fight with my lunch today at work. I was fine with the hummus and carrots, but then when I got to the veggie burger on my flat bread I just got...pissed. So pissed, that I choose to take it with me this morning, and that I was hungry and had to eat it, and mad that I didn't eat any other cupcakes and cake at my staff meeting earlier in the day, and just....pissed at it. But I ate you, dumb veggie burger. And I know I made the right choice by eating you and not a big mac, but I was bitter and hated every second of it. Another small win for the underdog.


Sunday, March 27, 2011

Mama said there'd be days like this.....

Things are not where I want them to be.

I've gained 7lbs in two weeks. 7. Seven. SEVEN. How does that happen when you go to the gym everyday. And no, it's not muscle. It's seven pounds of fat. I fail at everything else, why not fail at this too.

I'm really not feeling great about myself the past couple weeks. I know the weekends have been rough, but not seven pounds in two weeks rough. That really does not make sense given my weekdays eating and gym everyday.

The word frustrated doesn't even begin to cover how I'm feeling right now. Worthless. Useless. Annoyed. Disappointed. Hungry.

On top of it, yes I got my period so I don't feel like a complete crazy mess and maybe some of these feelings can be hormonally validated. But I'm also sick. Been in bed all day. Achy, sore throat, and dizzy. I've been completely disconnected from everyone all week.

So, this is me getting what I deserve. I brought these seven pounds upon myself. I need to just accept it. You would think I'd try to find a way to make this more positive like "now I'm motivated to get back into the game, take responsibility for what happened, move forward and make changes!!"

Nope. Not motivated in the slightest right now. Actually...this whole thing just makes me want to get in bed, cry, eat, and eat more until I can't think because I'm so full. At least then I won't have to listen to my own thoughts. I'm already feeling disgusting the past few weeks, why not? At least I'll be eating yumnmy food that will temporarily make me feel better ;)

Someone please check in on me soon. I'm drowning and don't know how to get out of this.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

"sometimes you just need to be alone"

Forgive me if this post makes zero sense. just know that I'm crazyyyy premenstrual.

The weeks have been manageable. not great. I feel like I've slipped back into maintenance mode again and not weight loss mode. My weekends have been straight binges. At one point I was past the feeling of full and thought I might actually throw up from too much food. I tried to, and couldn't. I fail at bulimia I guess.

I'm just going through a funk. I'm just on edge all the time, and need something to motivate me again. I had an awful realization last night (soo much pms) that although so many things have changed with me, emotionally, mentally, physically, but nothing has changed with my interactions with people. All those feelings of self worth and value came flooding back to me last night and today-I'm still not worth it to people, and still feel like as much as I change every part of me, I'm still not enough and good enough for love.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

call it what you will...

I had every intention of going to the gym when I got out of work.

I got there, got out of the car...and realized I never grabbed my gym bag this morning.

foiled. so I got back in the car, and halfway through my drive decided I didn't really want to go all the way to my house, get my stuff, and drive all the way back, probably hitting traffic and getting to the gym smack in the middle of rush hour. And it would take me forever to get on a treadmill during the busiest time of the night, and I would probably end up doing a half-ass workout.

I know, I know...EXCUSES.

So I decided instead I would go to Zumba tonight.

...well....zumba class started a half hour ago. I'm not there. I'm here. writing this.

My best friend that I haven't seen in forever called me and asked to go to dinner and hang out. Considering I haven't seen him in....over a month? I'm choosing him over working out today.

and you know what? I don't care. Not one bit. I need to start to learn how to live.

Maybe it's an excuse. But right now...keeping my sanity outweighs it.


Friday, March 11, 2011

Moment of Truth.

I woke up this morning and decided to weigh myself.
It's been 3 weeks since my last weigh-in.

it's been a year and a half since I made the choice.

sometimes it was simple, easy. just working out and eating better.

sometimes I cried myself to sleep because I felt worthless, frustrated. hurt. annoyed.

sometimes I wanted to tell everyone of my accomplishments because I was that proud of myself.

sometimes I wished  nobody would notice anything and I could just live and not have the constant reminder of how lost I really was.

It was the strangest feeling that came over me this morning as I looked down at the number. Nobody made me to to the gym everyday and workout sometimes until there was nothing else I could give. That was all me. And that person that had to make split second decisions when faced with things to eat? Also me. And that girl that sometimes let the bad stuff get in the way and loose focus, sometimes resulting in a binge or days without being physical? Me. Let's not forget about the woman who is way more aware of her body, emotions, and self-worth. I'm taking the credit for that, too.

It was almost as if the number on that scale this morning looked back at me...and wasn't surprised that he was there. because I did the work. and got the results.

so, the verdict, you ask? well, a real woman never tells her weight. :) but my quick math skills showed that I've lost 106lbs. No, not lost. I won't ever "find" it again. But, regardless...I've reached that cliche milestone with some to add, and I wanted to write it down.

For me.

I've waited a long time to have this moment. I'm going to embrace it. I'm going to celebrate it. I'm going to remember it. And I'm going to continue forward. <3

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I'm on the right track baby....

I have a quick second before I have to run into town and get my new plates and registration with one of my guy friends for my NEW car that i bought. yes...i got a new car. and i love it.

work's been....ehhh. awful lately. motivating me that much more during workouts. I got my 5K down to 34:02. 

haven't weighed myself since before philly...go me.

the gym and eating are going good. Making some good connections at the gym and feeling supported by strangers is....awesome.

as i was driving home from the gym this morning, I was a bit cranky that I could only workout for an hour and not my usual hour and a half and 20 minutes of strength training.

and then I realized that I was wearing a size 12 jean and a medium top. comfortably. and the feeling went away. because I'm doing good. and will continue to.

gotta jet! <3

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I guess we'll just have to adjust.

So on my 9million hour long trip to Philly, I wrote a little something on the bus. I've been planning on writing a blurb about forgiveness for a while now but still can't really get the words right. It's a difficult word for me to swallow, and I'm still not sure I have it right. I'm trying to forgive myself  for what I did. When I see myself sometimes, I can accept what I see, even be okay with it. I'm slowly viewing my body for what it is, and not what it used to be. It kinda sickens me to even look at pictures of how I used to look, how other people saw me. How did I go for so many years compleatly disregarding my body? I wasn't blind. I ask myself constantly how I was able to supress all that hate for all those years and not do anything. I ask myself more what gave me the strength to change. I still don't know. A friend of mine a few weeks back sent me a picture of myself from a few years ago...I didn't even recongize that girl. It was good, I needed to see it and be reminded of how far I've come, but at the same time it frustrated and moreso embarrased me to even look at it and see what I was. It's still uncomfortable for me when people make remarks about how I look, even though I'm fighting through the urge to hide under a rock. it still embarrasses me to know that they saw what I much as you think you're hiding your body you can't.

I've said it a few times on here...I never realized how much emotional shit comes out of loosing weight. I really thought I was a pretty expressive and intuitive person, but there was a whole other level I never got to until my body started to change. I can relate everything that I go through now back to my body and my changing perception of myself. Is it that I never did it before because I suppressed it? Or am I just relating everything back to my self-worth because it's new for me? Maybe a combination of both?

I need to work on forgiving others. I need to learn how to let some things go. I need to forgive people's ignorance, or misunderstanding of who I want to be. Its easy to pass judgement and treat people unfairly when they don't understand, or weren't ready to change themselves. It still saddens and frustrates me that I had to sit in silence for months and continue to suppress all the things I wanted to say because I didn't feel supported. It's an awful thing that I had to do at the beginning of this. I need to forgive that, let it go, and know that even though I wasn't supported, the least I can do is support others through their own self-discovery.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Nothing tastes as good as how skinny feels:

Well…I found plenty of things that taste just as good. Quesadillas, and ice cream, and plenty of cheesesteak. I went to Philadelphia this past weekend to visit one of my best friends. I felt good about going and promised myself that I wouldn't make a fuss about not working out and not being able to eat my typical stuff. And I didn't. I made myself so comfortable in fact, that I lost all perspective on food, and ate my way through the long weekend. Sure, we did a TON of walking, and I had an absolute blast. But the way I felt all day yesterday did not feel as good as all those cheesesteaks. It was a combination of my body being like "what?!? what did you do to me? what's all this crap I need to digest?", not going to the gym in...5 days, and the guilt of my conscience for allowing myself to snap right back into my old regiment without hesitation.

I will not step on the scale until I feel better about this. I don't need to look and see the damage I did. I feel it throughout my body, and that's enough.

So the rest of this week will be a detox. Eating tons of color (orange cheese wiz is not a color, Chrissy), and back to the gym I go. I need to get this stuff out of my body, it's making me sick, and stressing me out. For the first time in a while yesterday at the gym I got dizzy, light headed and needed to pour water over my head before I passed out. Wake up call.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

One month later....'s been a month since I decided to take a break from driving myself insane and weighing myself. I even decided to see if I could go longer, maybe push it back to the first day of march. but..this morning as I was getting ready for work I decided to just go ahead and do it. A part of me didn't want to...given the pretty stressful week I had. A part of me wanted to...given the successful weeks before. Ultimately...I promised myself a month and the month was I wanted to see the damage.

I didn't break the 100lb mark. 3lbs shy. I'm not horribly upset...I knew it was a stretch to think I could loose 10lbs in a month. I'll take the 7. It's better than none. or a gain. I thought back to all those moments I've had over the past month...all those people that have said just the right things at the right time to me...those moments of bravery...the moments of being strong. I think I did a lot of soul searching this month that happened because of the lack of scale in my life...I can't live by a number, although sometimes I'd like to. I need to start living for the moments of change...the phone calls from people needing someone to help them through a tough week of binging, or not working out. The feeling you get from boys that you've known for years...all of a sudden looking at you differently. The flirtation, although flattering but unwelcome...and one of them going to pick you up and put you over their shoulder (I didn't let him! but the thought of a boy doing that to me was...a milestone). Even the silly moment of seeing the guy that always talks to me at the IHOP at 4am and having it be awkward and drunken and hilarious. I want to embrace all of those things.

That being said....I've had a good month. I want to have better months. I want to grab these last 3lbs by the balls and keep going. I want to kick my workouts into high more half ass workouts. I don't care how much I hate running, I'm going to force myself to run and embrace the pain and push my body because I know I'm not. I want to seriously stop thinking that having cheat meals once or twice a week is okay because it's not. This stuff isn't difficult...I'm making it difficult. calories in, calories's not re-inventing the wheel's science.

Thank god I don't have a valentine...the last thing I need is unnecessary chocolate, dinner, wine, and dessert.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Life vs Death

Everything went white and all noise stopped as we crashed into the car. All I could think was "fuck, I'm going to die". It was a moment I hope to never relive again. 

But, alas, I opened my eyes, looked over at my best friend, and we both got the fuck out of that car. It started to set in about 30 seconds after we got out and I lost my shit. It felt like I lost control of all my senses and my body didn't work anymore. 

I'm okay now. A little sore, but that's to be expected when an airbag hits you directly in the chest. I don't want to think about how much worse off we both could have been. I'm giving mad props to my body for being able to take a hit and slowly bounce back. I think if this was me and my body two years ago things may have panned out differently. I took a rough hit yesterday, and I'm not going to lie and say I responded well because I didn't. After returning home, I drowned my sorrows in Chinese food and ice cream. It wasn't that good...actually...not as good as I hoped it would be, and I didn't feel better at any point doing it or after. I can make as many excuses as I want about it, but at the end of the day it was my decision, and I own up to it, and will do my best to learn from it and not resort back to old habits in a time of crisis. Moving on.....

"Death is peaceful - easy. Life is harder" <3

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Time to weigh my choices and think about change.

Wow do I have a lot to say this week. It's been one of those weeks in which the eating and the gym haven’t changed all too much, but I've definitely seen a change in my behavior and overall interaction with others. It's something that...going into all this change I never was aware of before. You see all the breakdowns and life changing "ahh ha!" moments on TV on all those "I’m fat and want to be skinny" shows, but I never realized how much loosing weight and being healthier would impact my daily life. I honestly thought that yep...I'll loose weight, and everything will stay the same. Except nothing stays the same, and the longer I'm in this the more things seem to change, and my perception of the world around me shifts a bit more.

Exhibit A: I've been a bit more....ballsy? this week with my interaction with certain folks. I will not go into specifics around the subject, but just know that my confidence in myself had me doing and saying some things that the old me would never consider because can you make moves when you have zero confidence in what you're doing. Sure, there were men...hah, sorry, boys. But they were in essence handed to me with an absolute "green light means go" and I didn't even have to think about it. I don't even care if anything works out of not, because you know what? It felt good doing it.

Exhibit B: I don't know how to word this one so bare with me. I got a message from someone I don't know (but he knows me) (and it's not weird/creepy so don't worry!) and he said that...well I should really just quote it...

"I am just going to be upfront here: I can't believe how absolutely drop-dead gorgeous you are. Wow. You are a really beautiful girl, and I was taken aback."

If anyone was taken aback it was me. I can count on one hand the number of times a boy ( men yet!) has said something so significant to me, that it literally impacted me so much. And not just a boy...a person that I don't really even know. And it wasn't some creepy okcupid message from someone in another state, it was someone that meant it, and put thought and value into his words. and that means a lot. I was honored, and flattered. Because's hard to be brave sometimes and say those words. And it's hard for me to accept them, and let them sink in when you feel like you'll never be the person you want to be.

So this was my "ahh ha!" moment of the week. That somebody out there found me to be attractive and was brave enough to tell me so. And I was brave enough to start to put myself out there again. It's hard for me to let go of those boys in the past...the ones that found me to be attractive when deep inside I hated the way I look. Those are the boys that still haunt me...their words (whether real at the time or not) don't necessarily mean more to me...but I hold them in a different light based on who I was, and can't seem to let them go yet.

So yes, in case you're wondering...I did write this mystery person back. I was kind, and polite, and silly, and told him back the truth...and was brave back with what I needed to say. Maybe it's the fear of karma that made me want to write back and not just ignore it. We all know what it's like to be brave and then get ignored...and everyone deserves a response...unless you're creepy, hah. Maybe it wasn't fear of karma at all and was growing up and wanting to be a better person? ...can't stay a bitch forever, can I? In other news I felt like I ate a bit too much yesterday, felt yucky and gross. What I gained in insight this week outweighed whatever I ate. Ohh I love a fun play on words. Maybe I can't hide behind fat's going away and peeling back the woman I want to become. :)

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Snow Day :)

Ever have those mornings when you wake up and you just KNOW that you lost weight? You feel lighter, your skin feels tighter, and you just...know. Every time it happens to me and I weigh myself  I'm usually right. Although I won't allow myself this time, I'm gonna go ahead with the assumption that I did. And hell, if I didn't? I'll never know, will I? :)

I've had a great couple of days thanks to good music, good friends, and today's not necessary snow day, but I'll take it. I had an awesome workout at the gym yesterday, and a great dinner with friends that (for the first time in a while) wasn't stressful for me. We went to a local Mexican restaurant, where I made sure to check out the menu online before and do some simple menu decoding....Eat This! Not That! pays off again! I skipped the chips and salsa, chose the most sensible thing on the menu, and drank lots of water. I'm a camel these days, don't know why, hah. After dinner, me and my girlfriends had a little too much fun playing with a giant cardboard box. I squeeezed myself into it...hey, I fit!

My goal for today is to mentally prepare myself for some shoveling so I can get out of my driveway, and get to the gym. Dinner with dad tonight. If i can accomplish getting out, then my reward later tonight is cuddling up with my down comforter and watching too many episodes of Sex and the City. :)

Sunday, January 30, 2011

There's gold ahead...there's golden dreams.

Day 20 without looking at the scale and it’s beginning to get to me. I’m caught in an awful predicament where without it…knowing the number I mean, its becoming difficult for me to track progress. I don’t know if what I’m eating is enough. Or if I’m eating too much. I’ve never been into counting calories because I fear I’ll become obsessed. So I roughly judge it. I’m not sure if I’m working out too much and sending my body into starvation mode and my body is holding onto everything I’m eating. I try to use the “I eat when I’m hungry” approach….snacks has never been my thing since changing my lifestyle. In fact, eating lunch today I realized that what I had in front of me was something the old me would have considered a snack. Crazy when you start to notice those things, huh?

I’ve been pretty good at planning my meals lately too. Not crazy about it, but when I wake up it’s pretty easy for to think about what I’m going to eat during the day and it’s worked out pretty well. Can I go another 10 days? Sure. I know I will. Can I go another month after those 10 days? Possibly. It’s something I’m still debating now…pushing the date to the end of February. Will I go crazy doing it? Absolutely. I’ve been trying to do some research online too, finding out what my calorie burn should be…coming up with many different answers wherever I go, leading me to believe that I’m working out too much and not eating enough, starving my body. But I don’t know this to be true because I refuse to step on the scale. Again…with the mental games I play with myself. Someone should just tell me to relax.

Driving to the gym today I thought a lot about insecurities. Those silly little thoughts that haunt our daily lives. I can’t think of anything worse than not feeling comfortable about the body in which you reside in. Yet I am…along with most everybody I know. Nobody ever wants to talk about it openly..and who would blame them? Who really wants to discuss hating yourself and what you’ve singly handedly done to yourself? My insecurities are slowly starting to go away though. Now this is something I can track. I know that I can actually look at myself in the mirror and semi-like what’s staring back at me. I’m not wearing clothes to hide or cover up parts I hate, and not constantly tugging or fixing my clothes as I walk or sit down.  I have a collarbone, that I’ve never seen before, and I catch myself touching it daily. I’ve allowed for a few full body pictures to remained tagged on facebook. And I embraced being the only girl lifting weights at the gym the other night, focusing and breathing, while the guys all looked at me and judged. Hey…if that’s progress, then I’ll take it.  

Thursday, January 20, 2011

"You have to make it a battle to make yourself better everyday"

10 days into the no-scale club. I'm doing good so far! I hid them both (yes I have two scales...don't judge, long story) under the bathroom sink. Hid meaning...of course I know where they are, but they are out of my vision, so it's much easier.

I've got a lot of people reaching out to me the past couple weeks; telling me how good I look, sending out all sorts of virtual compliments, talking about different food, what I'm eating, what I'm not eating, asking me questions about what I've been doing specifically, wanting to know "my secret". One family friend even said the new pictures of me brought a tear to her eye, and has motivated her to get serious about getting healthy! That's nuts to view me as a motivating person, when I still see so much more improvement I want to make in myself. Makes me think of a line from my favorite musician, Bryce Avery:
"Do you feel the weight of the world singing sorrow? Or to you is it just not real? 'Cause you got your own things..yeah we all have our things I guess"

So what is "my secret"? I don't think I have one. Since I've never talked about it before...let's chat now. I pretty much stopped drinking anything but water, coffee (black, 2 splenda!) milk, occasionally juice. No more drunken alcohol binges..that helped a lot, and of courseeee it's way more healthy and safe. I started doing research on food, reading memoirs and books, not about diets, but about people's journeys. I started to feed my body intelligently, eating foods that I know will fill me and not be crap. eating breakfast. not eating carbs in every meal. eating way more fruit, and even more vegetables. If I can help it, not using butter, not using salt, not eating anything fried. And of course I started working out and doing cardio. pretty much daily. I think that the changes I've made aren't rocket science. I've always known what it took to loose weight and be healthy, I just never did it. Which is a WHOLE other blog post. hah. ;)

I think I made a huge milestone tonight. I got some pretty upsetting news while at the gym, work related. Nothing I wish to talk about, it has nothing to do with me directly, but it's something that brought up some anxiety levels on the drive home. I immediately started craving carbs, and lot of them. Fortunately for me, I had already discussed dinner with my mother and she made a nice potato and egg omelette. So...I got my carbs but not the pound of pasta I really wanted. I ate my normal dinner amount, was satisfied, and thinking about the upsetting situation I'm going to have to face tomorrow morning at work, I walked mindlessly into the kitchen and went to get more. I stopped myself as i lifted up the lid. Am I hungry? No. Am I trying to fill some sort of void in my stomach about tomorrow? Yes. As soon as the thoughts ran through my head I put the lid down, walked into my room, and started to type.

To the people out there that has reached out to me: I'm glad that you have. To be honest, it's still difficult for me to accept it, and take on this role. I know I must sound awkward and uncomfortable when I talk about it, but just know that it does mean a lot, even if I can't express it in the moment. I end up thinking about the words you all say to me daily, and have gotten me through my workouts the past week or so. And finally a shoutout to that same gym employee as before that walked by me mid-workout yesterday and said "you're the only person that I see here everyday...that's what I like to see". 

Friday, January 14, 2011

I need a distraction.

I'm not hungry. I'll say it again...not hungry! I'm just bored. I just got home, and I'm bored, and do not need to eat anything, so I'll write to distract myself. Maybe drink a ton of water too. Let's recap on the week, maybe this will help me out tonight...enough for me to get over this..rough patch I'm having at this moment.

The week went pretty well. I was sort of errr....challenged? by a few of my friends at work earlier this week. I was bitching about my frienenemy 6 lbs to a few of the guys I work with and by the end of the conversation I decided to try out not weighing myself for a while. And by a while I mean a month. I've gone for a few weeks before, here and there when me and the scale wern't seeing eye to eye. I even had my friend take it out of my house and keep it in his car for a few weeks! But I want to try it for real this time. I think they're advice to me has some merit-that if I keep looking at the number it's going to eventually break me down...especially since I seem to fluculate a lot these days. My only reservation? I'm so close to 100, and I won't be able to know when it happens! Maybe it will within this next month...maybe it won't. Guess we'll find out in a month....I'll try and stay strong on this promise to myself.

In other news...went back to Zumba this week again, loved it..again. We had a ridiculous blizzard in the middle of the week and I was so proud of myself for not only going out shoveling for a good hour...but I also managed to get out of the house and go to a spin class in my town. I haven't done spin in forever...and since I wasn't trekking it to my gym in the middle of a blizzard, I stayed local. Downside was it was pretty expensive and my bum was nice and sore the next morning...but I was glad I at least got out of the house and did something productive.

That helped. ok, yes, I feel much better now. Gonna climb in bed and get toasty warm. And to think...I didn't really feel like writing at all this week! I'm glad I decided to :)

Sunday, January 9, 2011

"If you keep looking at the won't end"

Wise words said to me from a coworker a few weeks back. I've been gaining and loosing the same goddamn 6 pounds for about a month. I'll loose it, feel good about loosing it, relax and breathe for a little, and then it says "ohh missed me? I'll come back!" and throws a big fuck youuu to me. I know that when I loose it, I of course feel better and feel like I'm in a much better place..and that's my problem. There should be minimal or no wiggle room when it comes to this stuff. But then the other part of me thinks...okay you're not going to be doing this forever, there's going to be a time where you're just maintaining, so you need to start being okay with it now. and then the 6 comes back. see my dilemma?
This is coming at such a crucial time for me too. I've talked about the mental thing in the past posts...but this mental? Am I afraid of hitting that 100 and am subconsciously sabotaging myself every time i start to get close? What's going to happen when I get there..i will get there, but what is it going to take for me to stay motivated enough until it does? I was so much more focused months back. I need to figure out what changed.

Not to say that I'm sitting here like a sad panda. I'm not! On a random whim I dyed my hair last night. Cut it too. I didn't think I was going to like it...but it's sort of growing on me now.

"another chance to turn it all around. and do not save this for tomorrow; embrace the past and you can live for now"

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New Year, Keep Going.

I’m defiantly starting out this blog with some good days. Almost seems good to be true, but I’ll take it. I’m feeling good, and as much as I don’t like that whole “new year, new start” I can’t help but use that mentality to motivate me. Maybe I’ll just call it “new year, keep going”.
 I’ve never been much of a runner. In fact, I’m not a runner. I pretty much despise the treadmill, and try to avoid it whenever possible. There was one day, maybe months ago, and I was able to bring myself to run without stopping for forty minutes on a pretty good pace-MONTHS ago. And since then wasn’t able to even come close it again. All mental? Absolutely. Something snapped in me after an awful day at work last week and I was able to surpass that time and pace. And have continued to. Don’t get me wrong-I still despise the treadmill, and probably will continue to. But, it’s nice to know that I’m getting better while being on it. As I walked out of the gym today the guy behind the counter said to me “Have a good night, I’ll see you tomorrow!” When I turned around to say thank you and smile, he said “Yeah…tomorrow. How’s that for motivation?!?”  
So…I may not love the treadmill. What I do love though? Was my first ZUMBA class tonight. Considering that I have years of dance class under my belt I assumed there was no way I wouldn’t love it. And as much as I dislike having a “workout buddy” (I enjoy sweating solo), one of my best friends was there to get in his own workout, and (pun intended) it worked out for both of us.
Zumba was a blast. Hands down. It was hard. I was sweating buckets, but didn’t even realize how much I was moving because I was having that much fun (just like the infomercials!). Ohh sure, there were some moments where I had no idea what I was doing, but the dancer in me kept moving, and I got back on track. I think what really got me was that I’m so used to counting in 8steps, and then wanting to switch to a new step, but it wasn’t like that. Hopefully I’ll get used to it. I got the footwork down, had a little trouble with my arm movements, but I think I did pretty well for my first class.
I made the choice to skip watching the season premiere of The Biggest Loser tonight to go to Zumba. Coming from the same girl that wouldn’t ever hang out with anyone on Tuesday nights in past seasons of the show, I think that’s a pretty big deal for me. Hey, there’s always Hulu. And who wants to watch people workout on TV when you can actually go and workout?
I have a feeling I’m going to be all sorts of sore tomorrow morning.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

"You're Joinin' This Program Already in Progress"

I started to “write” my first blog post a few hours ago. Started talking about the past, and where I WAS, to help whoever is reading this have a better understanding of where I’m coming from. Then I got severe writers block. Then I just stopped. And deleted. Because really, that’s twenty-three years of negative things that aren’t me anymore. Or things I don’t want to focus on. Sure, they’re important, and I’m not going to bash that and whine about my life 15 months ago because I was manageable. Not happy, not overly upset with life but just…going through it the way I thought I should and accepting it. Long blog post short, I decided to change that a little over a year ago. And here we are. I say that you’re joining this program already in progress because I want to write about where I am now, where I want to be, how I’m going to get there, and the things that will inevitably come up and create a barrier.
            I always had this secret promise that I made myself about my body. That it was the only thing that was mine, and that I’m inevitably the only person that can choose what I want to do with it and who I want to...share it with…if you know what I mean. I made the choice to change it. I’m still making that choice to change it.
So I’ll start with where I am now. And as difficult it is for me to type the words, I will. I’ve lost ninety pounds. I’ll say it again. I’ve lost ninety pounds. Again…deficit of 90lbs. I even put the actual number 90 instead of writing it out. I need to keep saying it. Maybe if I keep saying it I’ll start to believe it. Maybe my mind will catch up to where my body is now. Maybe I’ll start to give myself more credit and not just blow it off and get uncomfortable when people compliment me. Maybe saying it over and over again will remind me that I haven’t gained ninety pounds, but lost it; that I’ve changed a little bit. My hope for the rest of these blogs isn’t for you. It’s for me. It’s for me to maybe hold some accountability for myself and keep me motivated when on nights like this when I’m stuck in yet another plateau. Or to at least, put my thoughts...somewhere that aren’t in my head. There will be posts where I’m sure I’ll be emotional. I’ll have bad days, I’ll have okay days, I’ll have amazing days. I won’t go to the gym and will be absolutely fine with it, and days where I’ll feel awful about it. I’ll eat too much, or I’ll be unsure if I’m eating enough. I’ll feel accomplished when the scale goes down. I’ll get pissed when the scale goes up. Or god forbid, stays the same after having an amazing week. It will all happen. I’m prepared for it, because I’m more than halfway through this program.
Sorry that you’re joining the party late. I can only move forward. Feel free to stay for the rest. It will only get better, and everyone knows the after party is always the best part :)