Because this is me, saying words I actually mean.
I won't compromise this thing just to make it.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

There's gold ahead...there's golden dreams.

Day 20 without looking at the scale and it’s beginning to get to me. I’m caught in an awful predicament where without it…knowing the number I mean, its becoming difficult for me to track progress. I don’t know if what I’m eating is enough. Or if I’m eating too much. I’ve never been into counting calories because I fear I’ll become obsessed. So I roughly judge it. I’m not sure if I’m working out too much and sending my body into starvation mode and my body is holding onto everything I’m eating. I try to use the “I eat when I’m hungry” approach….snacks has never been my thing since changing my lifestyle. In fact, eating lunch today I realized that what I had in front of me was something the old me would have considered a snack. Crazy when you start to notice those things, huh?

I’ve been pretty good at planning my meals lately too. Not crazy about it, but when I wake up it’s pretty easy for to think about what I’m going to eat during the day and it’s worked out pretty well. Can I go another 10 days? Sure. I know I will. Can I go another month after those 10 days? Possibly. It’s something I’m still debating now…pushing the date to the end of February. Will I go crazy doing it? Absolutely. I’ve been trying to do some research online too, finding out what my calorie burn should be…coming up with many different answers wherever I go, leading me to believe that I’m working out too much and not eating enough, starving my body. But I don’t know this to be true because I refuse to step on the scale. Again…with the mental games I play with myself. Someone should just tell me to relax.

Driving to the gym today I thought a lot about insecurities. Those silly little thoughts that haunt our daily lives. I can’t think of anything worse than not feeling comfortable about the body in which you reside in. Yet I am…along with most everybody I know. Nobody ever wants to talk about it openly..and who would blame them? Who really wants to discuss hating yourself and what you’ve singly handedly done to yourself? My insecurities are slowly starting to go away though. Now this is something I can track. I know that I can actually look at myself in the mirror and semi-like what’s staring back at me. I’m not wearing clothes to hide or cover up parts I hate, and not constantly tugging or fixing my clothes as I walk or sit down.  I have a collarbone, that I’ve never seen before, and I catch myself touching it daily. I’ve allowed for a few full body pictures to remained tagged on facebook. And I embraced being the only girl lifting weights at the gym the other night, focusing and breathing, while the guys all looked at me and judged. Hey…if that’s progress, then I’ll take it.  

1 comment:

  1. You seriously make me so proud and I am so happy for you. Every post you make is nothing but an overall positive outlook on life, despite the challenges you are learning to overcome and ways that you are changing your lifestyle, attitude and everything. I love you so much!