So...it's been a month since I decided to take a break from driving myself insane and weighing myself. I even decided to see if I could go longer, maybe push it back to the first day of march. but..this morning as I was getting ready for work I decided to just go ahead and do it. A part of me didn't want to...given the pretty stressful week I had. A part of me wanted to...given the successful weeks before. Ultimately...I promised myself a month and the month was up...so I wanted to see the damage.
I didn't break the 100lb mark. 3lbs shy. I'm not horribly upset...I knew it was a stretch to think I could loose 10lbs in a month. I'll take the 7. It's better than none. or a gain. I thought back to all those moments I've had over the past month...all those people that have said just the right things at the right time to me...those moments of bravery...the moments of being strong. I think I did a lot of soul searching this month that happened because of the lack of scale in my life...I can't live by a number, although sometimes I'd like to. I need to start living for the moments of change...the phone calls from people needing someone to help them through a tough week of binging, or not working out. The feeling you get from boys that you've known for years...all of a sudden looking at you differently. The flirtation, although flattering but unwelcome...and one of them going to pick you up and put you over their shoulder (I didn't let him! but the thought of a boy doing that to me was...a milestone). Even the silly moment of seeing the guy that always talks to me at the gym...in IHOP at 4am and having it be awkward and drunken and hilarious. I want to embrace all of those things.
That being said....I've had a good month. I want to have better months. I want to grab these last 3lbs by the balls and keep going. I want to kick my workouts into high gear...no more half ass workouts. I don't care how much I hate running, I'm going to force myself to run and embrace the pain and push my body because I know I'm not. I want to seriously stop thinking that having cheat meals once or twice a week is okay because it's not. This stuff isn't difficult...I'm making it difficult. calories in, calories out...it's not re-inventing the wheel again...it's science.
Thank god I don't have a valentine...the last thing I need is unnecessary chocolate, dinner, wine, and dessert.