Because this is me, saying words I actually mean.
I won't compromise this thing just to make it.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Time to weigh my choices and think about change.

Wow do I have a lot to say this week. It's been one of those weeks in which the eating and the gym haven’t changed all too much, but I've definitely seen a change in my behavior and overall interaction with others. It's something that...going into all this change I never was aware of before. You see all the breakdowns and life changing "ahh ha!" moments on TV on all those "I’m fat and want to be skinny" shows, but I never realized how much loosing weight and being healthier would impact my daily life. I honestly thought that yep...I'll loose weight, and everything will stay the same. Except nothing stays the same, and the longer I'm in this the more things seem to change, and my perception of the world around me shifts a bit more.

Exhibit A: I've been a bit more....ballsy? this week with my interaction with certain folks. I will not go into specifics around the subject, but just know that my confidence in myself had me doing and saying some things that the old me would never consider because can you make moves when you have zero confidence in what you're doing. Sure, there were men...hah, sorry, boys. But they were in essence handed to me with an absolute "green light means go" and I didn't even have to think about it. I don't even care if anything works out of not, because you know what? It felt good doing it.

Exhibit B: I don't know how to word this one so bare with me. I got a message from someone I don't know (but he knows me) (and it's not weird/creepy so don't worry!) and he said that...well I should really just quote it...

"I am just going to be upfront here: I can't believe how absolutely drop-dead gorgeous you are. Wow. You are a really beautiful girl, and I was taken aback."

If anyone was taken aback it was me. I can count on one hand the number of times a boy ( men yet!) has said something so significant to me, that it literally impacted me so much. And not just a boy...a person that I don't really even know. And it wasn't some creepy okcupid message from someone in another state, it was someone that meant it, and put thought and value into his words. and that means a lot. I was honored, and flattered. Because's hard to be brave sometimes and say those words. And it's hard for me to accept them, and let them sink in when you feel like you'll never be the person you want to be.

So this was my "ahh ha!" moment of the week. That somebody out there found me to be attractive and was brave enough to tell me so. And I was brave enough to start to put myself out there again. It's hard for me to let go of those boys in the past...the ones that found me to be attractive when deep inside I hated the way I look. Those are the boys that still haunt me...their words (whether real at the time or not) don't necessarily mean more to me...but I hold them in a different light based on who I was, and can't seem to let them go yet.

So yes, in case you're wondering...I did write this mystery person back. I was kind, and polite, and silly, and told him back the truth...and was brave back with what I needed to say. Maybe it's the fear of karma that made me want to write back and not just ignore it. We all know what it's like to be brave and then get ignored...and everyone deserves a response...unless you're creepy, hah. Maybe it wasn't fear of karma at all and was growing up and wanting to be a better person? ...can't stay a bitch forever, can I? In other news I felt like I ate a bit too much yesterday, felt yucky and gross. What I gained in insight this week outweighed whatever I ate. Ohh I love a fun play on words. Maybe I can't hide behind fat's going away and peeling back the woman I want to become. :)

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