Because this is me, saying words I actually mean.
I won't compromise this thing just to make it.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I guess we'll just have to adjust.

So on my 9million hour long trip to Philly, I wrote a little something on the bus. I've been planning on writing a blurb about forgiveness for a while now but still can't really get the words right. It's a difficult word for me to swallow, and I'm still not sure I have it right. I'm trying to forgive myself  for what I did. When I see myself sometimes, I can accept what I see, even be okay with it. I'm slowly viewing my body for what it is, and not what it used to be. It kinda sickens me to even look at pictures of how I used to look, how other people saw me. How did I go for so many years compleatly disregarding my body? I wasn't blind. I ask myself constantly how I was able to supress all that hate for all those years and not do anything. I ask myself more what gave me the strength to change. I still don't know. A friend of mine a few weeks back sent me a picture of myself from a few years ago...I didn't even recongize that girl. It was good, I needed to see it and be reminded of how far I've come, but at the same time it frustrated and moreso embarrased me to even look at it and see what I was. It's still uncomfortable for me when people make remarks about how I look, even though I'm fighting through the urge to hide under a rock. it still embarrasses me to know that they saw what I much as you think you're hiding your body you can't.

I've said it a few times on here...I never realized how much emotional shit comes out of loosing weight. I really thought I was a pretty expressive and intuitive person, but there was a whole other level I never got to until my body started to change. I can relate everything that I go through now back to my body and my changing perception of myself. Is it that I never did it before because I suppressed it? Or am I just relating everything back to my self-worth because it's new for me? Maybe a combination of both?

I need to work on forgiving others. I need to learn how to let some things go. I need to forgive people's ignorance, or misunderstanding of who I want to be. Its easy to pass judgement and treat people unfairly when they don't understand, or weren't ready to change themselves. It still saddens and frustrates me that I had to sit in silence for months and continue to suppress all the things I wanted to say because I didn't feel supported. It's an awful thing that I had to do at the beginning of this. I need to forgive that, let it go, and know that even though I wasn't supported, the least I can do is support others through their own self-discovery.

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